Tuesday, May 18, 2004FULL UP
i feel like i'm full up, like i can't take anything else in. i haven't been able to finish a book - even a book i'm really enjoying - for a month or so now. i keep finding times when i'm actually NOT listening to music, which is unheard of for me. i don't seem to be able to muster enthusiasm for things that would normally have me jumping. i'm heading to Greece for a week's holiday on Saturday and though i know i'm going to really enjoy it - and god knows, i need it - i'm nowhere near as hyper about it as i should be.
i'd assume that i was just depressed, but i'm always depressed and i know what it feels like and i know what my tablets do for me (and why i'm not ready to give them up quite yet)...
i just feel like i'm 'done', in some way. but that sounds way more bleak that it's meant.
maybe the holiday is what i need...
i think i hoped that when i hit this sort of age my need to absorb new stuff and immerse myself and keep going with it all would have slowed down and i'd just be happy digging out Astral Weeks and Arkology and some old Love & Rockets comics. maybe i wasn't supposed to keep on keeping on... and now i just feel like it's all a bit much. my room? my room is like living in a shop, tottering piles of books and records and videos and comics and just detritus.
i had an odd experience in the pub after TG the other night. i'd been up for a couple of days and was sinking my nth Guinness of the night and i suddenly.... just....... stopped.
like i was full. not like i'd drunk enough for the day. more like i'd drunk enough..
maybe this is where i shave my head and take holy orders or something.
or maybe i just go and have a cup of tea, lean on my balcony watching the South Lambeth estate go by and stop fucking over-analysing everything.
posted by dubversion at 12:55 pm