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Monday, October 04, 2004

BLOGGER I-SPY


The (recently-ish) revamped Blogger layout introduced the horror of the 'Next Blog' button.
Possibly intended to make us all feel like a proper little community, all it does it remind me that I'm nestled - virtually - between two other blogs. And even worse, that they're NEVER THE SAME!!!
One day, I'm hanging with some FinnishHalo expert who wants to share his cheats and screenshots with a waiting world. The next day i'm rubbing up against some preppy fuck in New England who just wants to show me photos of his new SUV, his new teeth and his new preppy fuck girlfriend.
It's positively unsettling. I don't like change. I'm no wild-eyed adventurer - go to the deranged likes of Uncarved or Grievous Angel if that's the kind of excitement you're after. I want comfort and constancy. Not a regular reminder that i'm but a tiny- and ever-shifting - part of some huge Blog hive mind
But - you know me, always keen to accentuate the positive, doncha know? - I think we should do something with this. Take the insecurity and sense of futility and turn it into something worthwhile and affirming.
Like a GAME!!!
so ladies and germs, i suggest some twisted version of I-Spy. I haven't finished working out the rules but I guess they'd basically work like this:
Go to someone's blog (a proper blog, like what me and that nutter over at Beyond The Implode have got - none of this designer label bespoke nonsense that all those other poshos have got, with their degrees and their in depth knowledge of whatever the fuck it is Deleuze & Guattari are on about) and when you've finished reading their latest rant about the death of grime or the rebirth of grime or how grime doesn't pay. When you've finished that, cross your fingers and click the button and see where you end up.
There will be points available, as follows:
  1. picture of blogger with pet: 5 pts (deduct one if it's another fucking rabbit called Bun Bun)
  2. rant about how Michael Moore is a freakin a-hole and we'd all be speaking Iraqi by now if it wasn't for the Marines, and like, my brother is out there now and I hope he takes some freakin' towelheads out: 5 pts
  3. picture of blogger's girlfriend/boyfriend pulling dumb face: 1 pt
  4. rant about how Michael Moore has done a terrible disservice to the Left by failing to take into account a rigorous class analysis of the War On Terror, resorting instead to empty gestures and pointscoring: 2 pts. Award yourself another 5 pts if this blogger is over the age of 15.
  5. Having that annoying 'fade' effect between pages: 4 pts
  6. Lyrics from a Metallica album either as the tagline of the blog or within at least the first three posts: 10 pts
  7. Anything self-evidently goth (old school Goth, goth metal, industrial Goth, Emily Strange, etc): no pts at all. what's the fucking use? you'd all be on 1,000,000 pts before the end of the week otherwise. Where do all these fucking goths come from anyway?
  8. Hello Kitty pictures or references: 2pts
  9. Anything at all in Klingon: 10pts. Deduct these points (and any others you may have amassed if you either a) understand it or b) even wonder what it means.
  10. Blogs written in text speak. Yeh, 4 real. 4ptz
  11. People with wacky profiles. And wacky pictures in their wacky profiles: 10pts. (and DAMN Blogger for introducing this shit).
  12. FUCKING IRRITATING ANIMATED CURSORS ON BLOGS.. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR MULTICOLOURED STRINGS OF FAIRIES AND PRETTY FUCKING LIGHTS: 2pts.
  13. Neo-Nazi crackpot recipe sites. Or How To Be A Better Survivalist Through Pearl Barley. 20pts
  14. Utter Utter Pretension - elliptical taglines, Zen-like posts, stuff like this:
i feel as empty as a drum
i wrote this on april 22, 2003 (as the war in iraq
began). just random thoughts
15pts

i hope there's a few suggestions to get you started. Perhaps some other bloggers out there would like to add their suggestions.

It's a sad and beautiful world.


posted by dubversion at 4:59 pm

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